55 Brené Brown Quotes on Shame
Welcome to the best collection of Brené Brown Quotes on Shame
- Best Brené Brown Quotes on Shame
- Short Brené Brown Quotes on Shame
- Quotes on Overcoming Shame
- Brené Brown Quotes on the Dangers Shame
- Quotes on What Shame Does to Us
- Summary
Best Brené Brown Quotes on Shame
Squandering our gifts brings distress to our lives. As it turns out, it’s not merely benign or ‘too bad’ if we don’t use the gifts that we’ve been given; we pay for it with our emotional and physical well-being. When we don’t use our talents to cultivate meaningful work, we struggle. We feel disconnected and weighted down by feelings of emptiness, frustration, resentment, shame, disappointment, fear, and even grief. Brené Brown
We cannot grow when we are in shame, and we can’t use shame to change ourselves or others. Brené Brown
We judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we’re doing. If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people’s choices. If I feel good about my body, I don’t go around making fun of other people’s weight or appearance. We’re hard on each other because we’re using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived deficiency. Brené Brown
If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way- especially shame, fear and vulnerability. Brené Brown Quotes on Shame
Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them- we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare. Brené Brown
Shame resilience is the ability to say, “This hurts. This is disappointing, maybe even devastating. But success and recognition and approval are not the values that drive me. My value is courage and I was just courageous. You can move on, shame. Brené Brown
Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it’s also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love. Brené Brown
Shame is that warm feeling that washes over us, making us feel small, flawed, and never good enough. Brené Brown
Betrayal is an important word with this guidepost. When we value being cool and in control over granting ourselves the freedom to unleash the passionate, goofy, heartfelt, and soulful expressions of who we are, we betray ourselves. When we consistently betray ourselves, we can expect to do the same to the people we love. When we don’t give ourselves permission to be free, we rarely tolerate that freedom in others. We put them down, make fun of them, ridicule their behaviors, and sometimes shame them. We can do this intentionally or unconsciously. Either way the message is, Geez, man. Brené Brown
Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: “Who has earned the right to hear my story?” If we have one or two people in our lives who can sit with us and hold space for our shame stories, and love us for our strengths and struggles, we are incredibly lucky. Brené Brown
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare. Brené Brown
We think to ourselves, I’m the only one with a muffin-top? Am I the only one with a family who is messy, loud, and out of control? Am I the only one not having sex 4.3 times per week (with a Calvin Klein model)? Something is wrong with me. I am alone. Brené Brown
Short Brené Brown Quotes on Shame
Empathy is the antidote to shame. Brené Brown
I think that shame is a universal, paralyzing, painful emotion. Brené Brown
Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be; embrace who you are. Brené Brown
Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change. Brené Brown
Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love. Brené Brown Quotes on Shame
What we don’t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human. Brené Brown
You cannot shame or belittle people into changing their behaviors. Brené Brown
Quotes on Overcoming Shame
Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot survive empathy. It cannot tolerate having words wrapped around it. What it craves is secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you stay quiet, you stay in a lot of self-judgment. Brené Brown
If we can find someone who has earned the right to hear our story, we need to tell it. Shame loses power when it is spoken. In this way, we need to cultivate our story to let go of shame, and we need to develop shame resilience in order to cultivate our story. Brené Brown
We need to see that standing on the shore and catastrophisizing about what could happen if we talked honestly about our fears is actually more painful than grabbing the hand of a trusted companion and crossing the swamp. And, most important, we need to learn why constantly trying to maintain our footing on the shifting shore as we gaze across to the other side of the swamp—where our worthiness waits for us—is much harder work than trudging across. Brené Brown
Shame derives its power from being unspeakable…If we speak shame, it begins to wither. Just the way exposure to light was deadly for the gremlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it. Brené Brown
Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it – it can’t survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy… When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes. Brené Brown
If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive. Brené Brown Quotes on Shame
When we find the courage to share our experiences and the compassion to hear others tell their stories, we force shame out of hiding, and end the silence. Brené Brown
We desperately don’t want to experience shame, and we’re not willing to talk about it. Yet the only way to resolve shame is to talk about it. Maybe we’re afraid of topics like love and shame. Most of us like safety, certainty, and clarity. Shame and love are grounded in vulnerability and tenderness. Brené Brown
Self-compassion is key because when we’re able to be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame, we’re more likely to reach out, connect, and experience empathy. Brené Brown
If we are going to find our way out of shame and back to each other, vulnerability is the path and courage is the light. To set down those lists of “what we’re supposed to be” is brave. To love ourselves and support each other in the process of becoming real is perhaps the greatest single act of daring greatly. Brené Brown
If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. Brené Brown
If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive. Brené Brown
As a shame researcher, I know that the very best thing to do in the midst of a shame attack is totally counterintuitive: Practice courage and reach out! Brené Brown
The biggest potential for helping us overcome shame is this: We are “those people.” The truth is…we are the others. Most of us are one paycheck, one divorce, one drug-addicted kid, one mental health illness, one sexual assault, one drinking binge, one night of unprotected sex, or one affair away from being “those people”–the ones we don’t trust, the ones we pity, the ones we don’t let our kids play with, the ones bad things happen to, the ones we don’t want living next door. Brené Brown
Brené Brown Quotes on the Dangers Shame
For me, vulnerability led to anxiety, which led to shame, which led to disconnection, which led to Bud Light. Brené Brown
Guilt is just as powerful, but its influence is positive, while shame’s is destructive. Shame erodes our courage and fuels disengagement. Brené Brown
Guilt: I’m sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I’m sorry. I am a mistake. Brené Brown
I believe that if we want meaningful, lasting change we need to get clear on the differences between shame and guilt and call for an end to shame as tool for change. That also means moving away from labeling. Brené Brown
If we share our shame story with the wrong person, they can easily become one more piece of flying debris in an already dangerous storm. Brené Brown
Men walk this tightrope where any sign of weakness illicits shame, and so they’re afraid to make themselves vulnerable for fear of looking weak. Brené Brown
Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” Brené Brown
Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I did something bad.” Brené Brown Quotes on Shame
Shame loves secrecy. The most dangerous thing to do after a shaming experience is hide or bury our story. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes. Brené Brown
The truth is, I’m a storyteller. And it scares me, because my training as an academic is that the more accessible you are and the more human you are, the less smart you are. It’s a shame trigger for me to be honest. Brené Brown
We live in a world where most people still subscribe to the belief that shame is a good tool for keeping people in line. Not only is this wrong, but it’s dangerous. Shame is highly correlated with addiction, violence, aggression, depression, eating disorders, and bullying. Brené Brown
What’s the difference between shame and guilt? The majority of shame researchers and clinicians agree that the difference between shame and guilt is best understood as the differences between I am bad and I did something bad. Guilt = I did something bad. Shame = I am bad. Shame is about who we are, and guilt is about our behaviors. Brené Brown
Quotes on What Shame Does to Us
We’re afraid that people won’t like us if they know the truth about who we are, where we come from, what we believe, how much we’re struggling, or, believe it or not, how wonderful we are when soaring. Brené Brown
When perfectionism is driving us, shame is riding shotgun and fear is that annoying backseat driver! Brené Brown
When we hear stories about shame that don’t fit with our experiences, our first reaction is often to distance ourselves from the experiences—“My mother would never say that” or “I don’t get women who don’t enjoy sex” or “She’s so naïve—her husband’s a wacko.” The distancing turns very quickly into blame, judgment and separation. Brené Brown
Shame works like the zoom lens on a camera. When we are feeling shame, the camera is zoomed in tight and all we see is our flawed selves, alone and struggling. Brené Brown
Shame keeps worthiness away by convincing us that owning our stories will lead to people thinking less of us. Shame is all about fear. We’re afraid that people won’t like us if they know the truth about who we are, where we come from, what we believe, how much we’re struggling. Brené Brown
Shame is the most powerful master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough. Brené Brown Quotes on Shame
You cannot talk about race without talking about privilege. And when people start talking about privilege, they get paralyzed by shame. Brené Brown
The most dangerous thing to do after a shaming experience is to hide or bury our story. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes. Brené Brown
Shame: We all have it. It’s that gremlin that says ‘I’m not enough.’ Or, if you’re feeling pretty confident,…’ooh, who do you think you are?’ Shame always has a seat. Brené Brown
When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose. Brené Brown
Summary
Through her work, Dr. Brené Brown has arrived at the following definition of shame: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.
She has identified 12 categories of shame.
Body Image and Health
- Mental and physical health: Fear of not having a fit enough body, not being strong enough, not being smart enough, and so on.
- Addiction: Fear of never feeling happy enough, or alive enough, or peaceful enough.
- Sex: Fear of unworthiness, or fear of being ugly.
- Aging: Fear of no longer being loved and admired for looks, or fear of mind deterioration.
- Appearance and body image: Fear of not having the right weight, the right make-up, clothes, and so on.
Relationships
- Motherhood or Fatherhood: Fear of being unprepared or unable to identify with the role of mother or father.
- Parenting: Fear of not being a good enough parent, not nurturing enough, or not respectable enough.
- Family: Fear of judgment, fear of loss, fear of not being stable enough, and so on.
- Surviving trauma: Fear of not being safe, not being worthy of love, or not being connected enough.
- Religion: Fear of not being a good enough person, or fear of punishment.
Social Status
- Money and work: Fear of not having enough money, being criticized in front of coworkers, having to file for unemployment, and so on.
- Being stereotyped or labeled: Fear of not being fully seen, or fear of judgment.
The Three Pillars of Shame (Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown 2021)
- We all experience shame. It is universal. It is a primitive emotion shared by everyone unless they completely lack empathy or the capacity for human connection.
- It’s not easy to talk about shame. Even mentioning the word “shame” can lead to an experience of the emotion and evoke a strong sense of fear.
- Talking about shame brings a sense of control. That control gives us the strength to overcome our feelings and move forward with our lives.
Some takeaways to share with you on Dr. Brown’s Shame Resilience Theory.
Everyone has the capacity to recognize
Connecting with your true self and developing meaningful relationships with others are key components of developing resiliance to shame.
Anyone who experiences shame thinks they are unworthy. A person who feels really loved and included thinks they are deserving of it. Worthy people have the self-compassion and bravery to accept their imperfections. They accept that being vulnerable is what makes them attractive and are willing to let go of the idealized version of themselves in order to be who they truly are.
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