129 Funny Quotes

Popular Funny Quotes

True Humor is fun–It does not put down, kid, or mock. It makes people feel wonderful, not separate, different, and cut off. True humor has beneath it the understanding that we are all in this together. Hugh Prather
A day without laughter is a day wasted. Charlie Chaplin
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. Robert Frost
He who laughs last didn’t get the joke. Charles de Gaulle
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right. Ashleigh Brillian
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’ Conan O’Brien
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. Milton Berle
People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.
People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily. Zig Ziglar
Nobody goes there anymore because it’s too crowded.
Nobody goes there anymore because it’s too crowded. Yogi Berra
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more. Walter Matthau
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. Groucho Marx
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. Rodney Dangerfield
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres
Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake.
Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake. J.R. Ewing
Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’? Jay Leno
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. Bill Waterson
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. Rita Rudner
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron?
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron? George Carlin
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. George Burns

Humorous Quotes About Life

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. Dennis Wholey
Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.
Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. Doug Larson
‘Be yourself’ is about the worst advice you can give some people. Thomas Lansing Masson
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? John Barrymore
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. Ann Landers
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. Oscar Wilde
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston Chruchill
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Earl Wilson
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. Rodney Dangerfield
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. Will Rogers
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. Albert Einstein
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. Milton Berle
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. A. A. Milne
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. Bob Hope
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Erma Bombeck
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. Groucho Marx
Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway. Greg Tamblyn
I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.
I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly. Peter Cook
Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories. Jessica Simpson
I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.
I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us. Stephen Colbert
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. Charles Shulz

More Funny Quotes

What’s another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright
My goal is no longer to get more done, but rather to have less to do. Francine Jay
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Steven Wright
Half the lies they tell about me aren’t true.  Yogi Berra
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces. Will Rogers
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. Harlan Ellison
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. Jay Leno
If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you. Dick Cavett
I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards. Henny Youngman
I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. Fred Allen
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog. Jay Leno
A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. Samuel Goldwyn
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Al McGuire
I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. Steve Carell
At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. Ann Landers
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong. Charles Wadsworth
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. Fred Allen
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Laurence J. Peter
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. Charles Schulz
A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future. Dennis Waitley
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Emo Philips
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? H.L. Mencken
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. Henny Youngman
Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times. Helen Rowland
Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible. Doug Larson
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children. Sam Levenson
I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.
I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later. Mitch Hedberg
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. Abraham Lincoln
It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!
It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose! Steven Weinberg
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of people's vacations was considered a punishment.
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of people’s vacations was considered a punishment. Betty White
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken. H. Kyle Seale
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. Don Marquis
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. John F. Kennedy
I think it’s interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.
I think it’s interesting that cologne rhymes with alone. Demetri Martin
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. Norm Crosby
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. Mark Twain
Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.
Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most. Ozzy Ozbourne
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. George Burns
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. Caroline Rhea
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven Wright
The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.
The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means. Zach Galifianakis
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist. Franklin Jones
Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.
Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else. Will Rogers
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left. Oscar Levant
He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career.
He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career. George Bernard Shaw
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. Dalai Lama
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln
What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.
What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork. Pearl S. Bailey
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? Milton Berle
We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know. W. H. Auden
Trying is the first step toward failure.
Trying is the first step toward failure. Homer Simpson
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Isaac Asimov
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Demetri Martin
You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.
You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there. Yogi Berra
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. Andy Rooney
Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil.
Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil. J. Paul Getty
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? Steven Wright
It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?
It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? Ronald Reagan
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. Zsa Zsa Gabor
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. Buddy Hackett
I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it.
I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it. Bill Murray
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. Unknown

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory. Paul Fix
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? Lily Tomlin
Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
Procrastinate now, don’t put it off. Ellen DeGeneres
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. Jackie Mason
If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
If you come to a fork in the road, take it. Yogi Berra
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. Andy Borowitz
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Henny Youngman
A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.
A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know. Laurence J. Peter
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. Robert Bloch
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. Norm Crosby
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet! Groucho Marx
Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.
Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand. Emo Philips
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes! Billy Connolly
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Alan Dundes
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.  Groucho Marx
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.  Albert Einstein
Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.
Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law. Voltaire
I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.
I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical. Arthur C. Clarke

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